Every Little Bit

im happy?
feelin glad?
got sunshine................in a ... bag?



I AM USELESS.

hahah
fuck.
whats the rest.

I love my Sundays. Not as much as he loves football. But it's nice and lazy. With good food.

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.


it doesn't look like a real word to me anymore.

but it's me.

So I have been working for three days, today will be my fourth. I am pretty stoked on all of this. I finally am employeed. I make good money, I am full time. It's chill for the most part. I am very happy. I get to start finding my own place now.

Car-Insurance-Home.
yay.



I haven't been doing much though, other than going to work and seeing Sal.


I am okay with that.
Tawni is in town, I get out at ten, and then have the next few days off.
sweeeet.

I haven't had a beer since friday. Almost a whole week. But a long with that I haven't seen anyone in about a week, except for Sal and Eunice. I have been feeling strange. I stayed home all Saturday night. And ever since that night, I have been feeling extremely exhausted. And I have been binge eating. Like crazy. I feel disgusting. I literally ate like 10 candy bars in one night the other night. I don't know if this is happening because I am not going out and not drinking, so that leaves me time to remember to eat. and eat. and eat.. and eat and eat and eat. I can't even explain how bad it feels.

My ribs are sore right now from laying down for too long.

I want to see my friends.
I want to feel better.
I am not sure whats weighing me so far down, but it sucks.

I feel depressed, hollow. Whatever.

I need to snap out of it, I have no energy,
I haven't given up, but my body has.

So I don't even know. Things are pretty okay. And thats good, sorta luke warm feeling, which is actually kind of annoying to me, Makes me feel restless. I want warm warm. I have been applying everywhere. There are jobs that have amazing pay, that would probably be sort of monotonous... but it would actually allow me to get on my feet, but. I sorta don't even really think any of those people are going to call me about it. I don't know, Like I applied for a couple of different regular positions at the hospital, one of them is to answer phones there for them. I can do that, I just hope they even give me an interview.

This supposed background check they have been doing on me is taking a fucking lifetime. It makes me wonder if I just didn't get the job. I want to cry sometimes.

What else makes me want to cry...

Tawni and Moe are leavin in two weeks to Tucson. I am crazy jealous, only because I know HOW FUCKING EASY IT IS GOING TO BE TO GET HIRED THERE! haha, anyone who makes money I am jealous of. But, I am so stoked for them too, I don't think Moe has ever even lived any where else but here. I am excited for him.

I am excited for the house they are going to get too, I know it's going to be sick. And when I have a job here, and everything, I GET TO VISIT.



I have been spending more time alone lately, and being okay with it, I can actually just do things I want to do, and think about stuff, or not think about stuff, just hang out. Read. Watch Project Runway and America's Next Top Model on You Tube. Paint.

And, I am really happy with a certain relationship in my life. I think maybe we get it now. kinda...haha. when the moons not full.

Better, then not, then okay, then not at all. Ups and Downs. I need to gain control of some silly emotions that I have. I need to be serious, serious, serious! And really think things through before I believe some of the things I believe, say, do, etc.

Anyways, I am in love. Blegh. It happens.

I had the strangest, most wonderful dream last night. I woke up disturbed, but curious. I loved it and was scared of it. I gave birth, I must not feel pain in my dreams, or maybe it's just a feeling I obviously can't conjur up. I had a kid though. A kid that I gave birth to, fed, rocked to sleep. A kid I brought with me everywhere I went in my dream. The way I held the kid, hugged him. Yes him. I never called him a name, I just wouldn't let anyone touch him. I don't know who the father was, he was never named in the dream. There was one person though, that I snuck around to kiss in the dream, maybe it was him?

I adored my baby. It was so real to me, but really really unreal at the same time. Almost like in my dream I knew I was dreaming, but I didn't care because it felt good.

No I don't think it's a sign, other than me wanting a change in my life, and to grow up a little bit. To be a little more responsible. BABY steps, no pun intended.

Yesterday I saw Sal for a bit, decided to come home and go out. I wanted to drink soooooo bad yesterday. And I finally get the oppurtunity to, and... blah. I didn't feel good. Drinking made me feel queasy. So I smoked some herb, which was shitty and gave me a horrid headache. Then just because I am stressed that none of my vices are making me feel better, so I smoke a cigarette. Which, I should have known better, increased the size of my horrid headache.

My solution to this: go edge. I don't think I really WANT to drink and shit lately, I just think there isn't anything at all for me to do. Waiting for this job shit really makes me shitty. Getting drunk is fun, but my body is just so spent on it since I do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I need to detox. The hardest will be to stop smoking out. Since even RIGHT now I still want to. What's realllllly shitty is thats the one thing out of everything that I do that could actually prevent me from getting a job.

I am frustrated.

I don't feel well.
Constant headache feeling like I used to have.
I miss working.
I miss pay checks with my name on them.

I hate that I always complain about money.

Ever since last weekend I have been nothing but exhausted. It's like the entire summer and winter is catching up to me, this week. I didn't do anything last night, which is rare, especially for a weekend. I never just stay in, alone. Even if I don't go out into the public, I am usually spending time with someone. It was nice to enjoy my own company, I haven't really felt this way since I left Bard. It's something that I hope can continue to happen. I really REALLY feel like things are getting better. Maybe I am blind and niave.

Maybe all this sleep is to prepare me for all the work I am going to be doing this fall... eh haha. I just want a job right now. MONEY! MONEY! oooohh I need money.


I like Sunday mornings. They feel good. The sun feels good.

I feel bad about something I did recently. Sort of a whim, well all a whim, again, the need to get the fuck out. Sometimes I get really drunk and really desperate, because of this whole job/money thing. I know in bigger cities it would be soo so so easy to get a job.

So I make plans, I guess I should have thought about this one first, and now I am just avoiding it. I just think about: me. Me. me. And the feeling at the moment.

I need to buck up. And deal with this, it will make when I get hired so much more satisfying... cuz I'm strugglin' right now. I am glad that everyone still loves me enough to want to take care of me.

I haven't gone to the park in a really long time, and it sounds really fun right now, to just sit around. I wish I had a dog I could go walk or something. Venus isn't really into going to the park. But she is down to road trip.

There are people that I need to talk to more often.
Starting now? maybe.

Happy once again, chilling out. Just trying to be myself, and do what I need to do. Still waiting about that job, holy crap it's stressing me out. Trying not to think about it too much though... Stress makes me a yucky person.

Yesterday was Augie's birthday, it was nice, just normal regular REAL friends. I enjoyed it very very much, I haven't been so comfortable around everyone in a long time. I feel good, maybe it's the change in the seasons.

It's been raining and storming around here lately. The rain here is so much better than the rain in Seattle.

I am being more productive lately, it's nice.

I like to pretend I am in some sort of book. Maybe I am. Maybe that is why I am the way I am, I was written to be this way.

Stretched, pulled, prodded.

Almost dared.
by everyone.
Bullied the most by myself.

Always new ideas, plans, thoughts, dreams. I love what is tangible. I hate whats just a nice thought. I paint when I want to get off without real people involved. I have no mercy, and I never ever did, nor did I claim to have any.

Today I said, I AM SELFISH.
I am. selfish.
a shellfish whose selfish just like most of you... [who don't have the gear to take a God damn fall]. I have what I need, this way or that. I feel exceptionally brave right now.
fucking eat shit.
but I love most of you.
<3 visit.

We never had the patience. Well, at least I know I didn't. I am trying, but you know, I don't have much... So, eventually resources will run dry and then I will be gone. I always wonder what we'd all be like if we had the money. Just doing everything we wanted. Probably even more horrible than we already are, and I mean that with love.

More and more people are starting to do things for themselves, and it's funny that I find myself back in Yuma, while they are all leaving, trying to do something for myself. It's weird that this is what I need. A regular job, in a semi-small town, where I am comfortable, where it's not too busy, too cold, too anything, except for hot, and I've come to terms with that a few months ago. You try surviving the summer with no A/C. I can do anything.


I slept really well last night, I was a real tired, I didn't booze at all. I forgot to even watch Project Runway. I was cleaning up some stuff, decided to organize my brothers things, which, boys don't know how to utilize space, I threw some trash away, I know I know, maybe it wasn't "trash", but somethings were just not usable or necessary. I gave somethings to goodwill. I have a shit load of Star Wars books, if anyone wants to read them. He's read them all. He said anyone can barrow them or whatever.

I vacuumed out the car, I put a peach scent tree in there. I am pretty stoked on it all. Now if only a stupid place would hire me and then I can start havin my own place and start buying little things for the house. AHHH I would give anything. Dammit. This is where I start getting upset, and wanting to throw things.

But, I will just try and use this negative energy and do something postive with it.

Like smoke. haha, I wish I had an address so I could go rent books from the library.

There are a few books here that I want to read. I am going to start with Running With Scissors.

I fell in love with this girls voice today: Jessica Lea Mayfield. Buy me the cd.

Me and Venus cuddled today like we used to, I think she knows I am trying to make life better for us. We've never had our own everything. It gives me this weird feeling in my stomach to think about, the same feeling that you get when you break up with someone or when your best friend stops talking to you. I get that feeling when I think that I might not be able to do this the way I want to. It would be devestating for me. Venus couldn't go to hawaii. She would have to be quarentined for three months before they would let me have her. I wouldn't be there and she has to be quarentined again when she comes back. So mean. She's old. We are both tired of moving.

Not traveling. Moving.

I hate smoking alone. But I can't sleep. Too many phone calls, eventually just have to turn it off. Partly why I was always glad I didn't have a phone, that and there was no way for me to drunk dial anyone.

Whoever doesn't listen to Joanna Newsom should, it's a direct order.

I miss the small things, even though there are some small things that are just too voluminous for me to contain. I have thin thin thin skin, I try to get callouses on purpose and it doesn't work, I just end up shedding.

I am terribly annoyed. I feel like I won't have a tongue by morning, choking on it already, I had biting down this hard, My teeth are small and I have TMJ. Plus the taste of blood nauseates me. I wish I could and would just say it, but there are fine lines where crossing isn't allowed. This or that, but really nothing at all.


EVER.

FOR.
EV.....
er.

i wish i could be like porky the pig and say "tththahththahthatha thats all folks!".
but it won't be, it never ever is.
puppy love,...disgusting.


Interview tomorrow.

gonna fall asleep now, or try.
try try try, remember those good vibes.

I hate feeling all all alone in the universe.

I hate waiting, it sucks. But at least I have things to wait for, I guess... right? I am still waiting on my background check for burlington coat factory, everyone send me good vibes. and them too. And this wednesday I have an interview for Albertsons. So hopefully SOMETHING will happen.

I went to L.A. this weekend to see Andrew and Kyle. We went to the Sunset Junction Festival. Well I did, Kinda, one day, and not most of the first day. I just got drunk. What else is new. But it was nice to see them. I just feel so distracted lately, it's hard for me to just... let loss I guess.

Like today, we are supposed to go on a float down, and I really really want to, but I really really probably won't. I am just... too worried. I am scared to turn off my phone or leave it, because what if someone else calls me for a job. This sucks, something to do and places to go, and me waiting on something to do and a place to work. Gah. Life Life Life.

But I am happy, I need this in my life. I want it.

I keep having dreams about my own place.

Everything else is okay, I am paranoid as always, but, I think I am getting over it.

It always takes me forever to really get it, to really see it, but I am starting to see.
I just hope he is too.

I don't feel well. Drank way too much last night. I ended up being somewhere very comfortable though, and that's all I can ask for. Didn't have to go back in time, something about it all just felt calm, familiar, but new. I won't think too hard about it. It's like if you smell something too much, the odor just seems to go away.

I was going to butcher my hair yesterday. Today I want it longer.


Everyone cross their fingers with me and hope that everything works out for me with this job. They are doing a background check on me, and checking out my references. I need them to hire me, they don't even open until October, but...

my mom will help me so I don't have to move again.

I am tired of living out of a suitcase. I am so so so tired of not having a home.
I am tired of never staying anywhere long enough for anything to really stick.
My bones want to be here.

I am jealous of people taking classes right now. Not that I want to be in school, but I should have signed up for at least the painting class. fjksla; Nothing has been really inspirational though... except that comfortable place I was talking about.

Kasey left this morning. Thinking about it gets to me. I am beyond happy for Kasey that he is taking this opportunity. Happy isn't even the right word for it. I am jealous too. Oh SO jealous. I want to leave and go make money too. And than have the life I want to have. I talked to my dad about going to Hawaii again last night, I would only stay for like 6 or 7 months. But... $$$.

I don't know where I would come back to though, after it was all done. Maybe I would try Seattle again, and actually be there for the summer. Or maybe I would come back to Yuma, and have that quiet life that I talked about wanting before I moved back here from Seattle. My own little cottage, me painting, venus with me<3, walls surrounding me, with me on those walls. Something of my very own. I get to choose the curtains.

I want to pick out curtains.

Even in Seattle that would be nice for me. And in Seattle it's easier for me to be all by myself. I would actually hang out alone, and I would have a good time.


I miss Kasey.

I want to stay in that moment last night, me kasey and tawni sitting on that bench. Just existing.
My brother and My sister. I am very very grateful for what I do still have.

I started feeling really horrible for a second. And than it just sort of passed. It's not even that I don't care it's that I can't. Dead weight. Everything can't matter, I can put it all into a nice shiny box, but if it's not tangible than don't ask me to hold onto it.

I can't care.

and I am tired of thinking about it.

I can’t expel the truth
It’s much more than I thought I could do
And with time, my worth will stain
And split your heart from my name

So drive away your mouth from my ears
And waste a day so I can think clearly

And what’s left to wait for here
As my hands sleep, spent this last year
Choking the bottles neck
That pulled you from my bed

So drive away your mouth from my ears
And waste a day so I can think clearly

Drive away your mouth from my ears
And waste a day so I can think clearly

I cannot believe myself sometimes. Got way too drunk, Way too stupid. I should feel like shit right now, and I don't really feel too bad. Just thirsty. Always thirsty. Like a fishy. Anyways, I act like a fucking guy when I get drunk. Headbang and hit on people [that I really don't want anything to do with]. Nothing ever comes of it, Thank goodness.
but still.
I have the worst luck ever. The worst karma. It's pretty ridiculous, and I do it all to myself.


Will someone just save money with me and move to Spain with me?
please.


Hawaii then Spain.
heh.
heh
bleheheh.
blah.

Too many options and maybe that's always been my problem. My mom said maybe traveling is just in my blood, that Roger calls it "bohemian". Maybe, Maybe not. Maybe I am just a chicken shit. I am scared to settle. I am scared to be stuck with a decision. This or that, or maybe something else. Maybe Maybe Maybe IF IF IF IF I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT IWANT, I am without. The things fueling me aren't legit.

roll the dice...
HAWAII
SEATTLE
or
YUMA.
funny, right?
maybe Hawaii just to save till I can go anywhere I want.
Maybe I'll fucking fly to the moon and start a colony.

swinging back and forth, every minute something else sounds better than what I thought of before. It's like when you're TV gets stuck surfing through the channels and you just want it to land on something alread.

gad dammit facking shit.

I am really scared to do it, but I have to. It will make it official. And I will be forced to live my life. I am excited though, too. I have a lot that I want to do. T



It's like a race, By the end of the week I'll know.

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And I'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
Sand everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now I'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing



____________

i think i need to fucking leave.
now.

I am sailing away. And I'll never look back. Moving on Moving On. Trying so desperately hard to move on. I hate being lied to.

It's the worse.

Nothing anyone can say will ever be able to more to me than I do to myself.
I forgot that for a second. I'll be my judge, and I'll have my justice.
A strong girl with a strong mind, but the will power is non existant.


I can make anything sound look or feel nice. I can make anything shit.
My best or my worst, I am contagious, not that I am giving, more like spreading. I am in control of the situation, and even if I'm not, I own legs and I know how to flip the bird.



For me it's always been about having the last word.
But I just really don't want to talk about it anymore. Ever.




Live Love Learn ...laugh your ass off.
I do. I headbang too, it feels fucking awesome.
[but not the next day].

Need I remind you... ???
I am a human. I have feelings and emotions. They get hurt. I get hurt.
I am not something to be played with, I am not here to entertain.
And whether I take everything too seriously, or nothing serious enough,
this is real life for me.
Noone should take it upon themselves to make that any harder for me.
NOone.